


Twenty-One-Year-Old Alec Lightwood

by Obsessivecompulsivereadr



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Discrimination Against Downworlders, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Possible triggers for anxiety and panic attacks, not Malec heavy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 02:40:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9414389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessivecompulsivereadr/pseuds/Obsessivecompulsivereadr
Summary: Alec tries not to want Magnus, but it goes about as well as all those other things Alec’s tried not to want throughout the years.  Which is... badly.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted by a scene between Alec and Maryse that occurs at the beginning of Morning Star (S1, Ep 13).

Seven-year-old Alexander Lightwood thinks the seelie representative, Caeleyrn, is the prettiest person he’s ever seen.  He’s tall and fast, with clear blue eyes that shine when he laughs.  

He has a bow just like Alexander’s except it’s so big that from end to end it’s even taller than Alexander is.  Caeleyrn is nice to him, too.  Most adults aren’t and Alexander can’t figure out why.  They tell him that unless he’s training or studying, he should stay out of the way.  But Caeleyrn doesn’t do that.  He tells Alexander stories about the court and talks to him about archery.

Caeleyrn promises that when Alexander is bigger that he can practice his archery with Caeleyrn’s bow, and he says that he never breaks his promises to people.  Alexander’s mother said seelies can’t lie, so one day Alexander will get to shoot that bow and show Caeleyrn how strong he is.  When he says that to Caeleyrn, the man ruffles his hair and says he looks forward to that day.  

Every time Caeleyrn visits after that, he smiles at Alexander and ruffles his hair.  Alexander usually hates that when other people do it, because his mother says it’s unseemly to be tousled and unkempt, and he always gets in trouble if his hair is a mess.  Alexander doesn’t exactly know what unseemly and unkempt mean, but his mother thinks they’re bad so they must be really bad.  But still, he never tries to make the seelie stop doing it because he kind of likes it. Caeleyrn lets Alexander walk with him when he’s in the gardens, though the stories he tells always get interrupted when ladies visit Caeleyrn.  

They stand around and sigh at him the whole time, and Caeleyrn never gets to finish his stories.  It’s irritating and Alexander thinks the women act dumb, but Caeleyrn says he’ll understand when he’s older.  Alexander doubts that, but since seelies can’t lie, he figures Caeleyrn knows what he’s talking about.  The ladies always call Caeleyrn sexy, and they talk about him when they don’t know Alexander is there.  He doesn’t know what the word sexy means either, but the women are always touching Caeleyrn, and sometimes the man kisses them when none of the shadowhunters are looking.

Alexander wants his mom and dad to meet Caeleyrn because he’s so nice and funny, but he says that it’s not a good idea.  That Alexander’s mom doesn’t like him.  Alexander can’t figure out why anybody wouldn’t like Caeleyrn, and he tells the seelie that if he hears anybody say mean things about him, that Alexander will take care of them.  

Caeleyrn tells him that he will certainly live up to his name.  When Alexander asks him what he means, he says that Alexander’s name means ‘’defender of men.”  That some great men in history share his name, and that obviously Alexander will grow up to be a strong protector one day.  Alexander’s never met anybody with his name before, and he kind of thought he was the only one.  It’s stupid, he guesses, because there are so many people in the world.  There have to be other Alexanders.  But he still doesn’t like it, and he’d rather be the only one. 

Caeleyrn says that he could always choose a nickname, or shorten his name.  Like how everybody calls Alexander’s little sister, Isabelle, Izzy.  When Alexander says the name Alex is dumb because it's just half of his name and it doesn't sound different like Izzy’s does, Caeleyrn leans down and asks him how he likes the name Alec instead.  

Alec.  He likes that name.  

He asks Caeleyrn if he can still be a protector of men if his name is different than Alexander, and the man tells him that of course he can.  

That night he tells his mom and dad about Caeleyrn.  About how pretty he is and how nice he is and how he’s going to help Alec with his archery when Alec is big enough.  Then he asks if seelies and shadowhunters can get married when they’re grown ups and tells his parents that he can’t imagine anybody not wanting to marry Caeleyrn because all the women in the gardens do.

He can’t understand why his mother gets angry with him.  Why she shouts and sends him to his room.  Why she fights with his father that night about how he could let Alec near ‘’those people.”  

Alec never sees Caeleyrn again.  He misses him for months and months, but he doesn’t say anything to his parents because he doesn’t want his mother to get angry again.  He feels guilty about it because he promised Caeleyrn that he would take care of people who say mean things about him, but Alec can’t do that with his mother.  He thinks maybe being too scared to say anything to her about the things she calls Caeleyrn means that he can’t be a defender of men.  

So he decides to stay Alec.  Nobody but Izzy ever asks him why.  

 

Ten-year-old Alec Lightwood thinks Raj is the best shadowhunter trainee at the Institute.  Alec and his family live at the New York Institute now because of something that happened in Idris.  He kind of misses his old home, but his parents say that they can’t go back there... not even to visit.  They don’t explain why.  They just tell him that they have to earn back honor first, but Alec can’t figure out how they lost any honor in the first place because nobody tells him anything.  

Raj is tall and has dark hair, and he follows _all_ the rules _all_ the time.  Raj is sixteen, and he never does anything wrong.  Ever.  Alec can’t even imagine that, because he gets in trouble all the time, even for things he doesn’t do.  Alec’s mother says Raj is the kind of trainee that Alec should want to become.  He’s so fast when he fights that Alec gets kind of dizzy watching him.  

Raj is funny because he rolls his eyes when Alec asks him questions.  Alec thinks he probably gets on Raj’s nerves, but the older boy still answers the questions.  Raj is sarcastic, and Alec loves to watch him argue with people.  He never has to use his hands to fight because his words and his expressions settle any disagreements in his training group.  Alec thinks that if Raj wanted to, he could be a great leader.  But Raj says he doesn’t want to lead.  That he’d rather be a soldier and follow orders.  Raj says he thinks being a shadowhunter is like having a job that you aren’t allowed to quit.  Alec thinks that doesn’t sound very fun at all, and when he tells Raj that, the older boy laughs and agrees with him.  

Raj is pretty too.  But Alec’s not supposed to think that because Izzy says boys aren’t supposed to be pretty.  She says he’s supposed to use the word handsome, but Alec can’t do that.  He’s used that word before, once he figured out what it meant.  He used it to describe Raj, and his mother punished him for it.  She says that Alec thinking boys are handsome is the _least_ of her worries but that he shouldn’t talk about it where other people can hear.  Says that if Alec talks like that around her, and around the Clave members, that he will dishonor their family.  

Alec thinks that maybe he’s the reason they had to move away from Idris, but he’s too scared to ask.  

 

Twelve-year-old Alec Lightwood thinks Jace Wayland is the coolest person ever.  He can throw a dagger into the very center of a bullseye, and he can fight almost as well as kids in the older training groups.  He’s popular and sometimes kind of mean to people, but Jace doesn’t have any family anymore, other than the Lightwoods, so Alec figures he deserves to be mean sometimes.  Jace is clever and strong, and he always wins at every training exercise.  He makes Alec mad sometimes because he’s so cocky.  He taunts Alec for thinking too much, and Alec thinks it's because Jace never questions his choices.  Never makes mistakes like Alec does.  He doesn't stay angry for long because Jace likes Alec, and they get along really well most of the time.  They talk about becoming parabatais, and Jace thinks having one would be cool.  Alec isn’t sure.

Jace confides in him once that he pretends sometimes that Alec’s mother is his mother as well because his mother died when Jace was a baby.  Alec thinks he’d be okay with sharing his mother with Jace since the other boy doesn’t have one.  Alec never tells him that because he doesn’t want to make Jace sad.  He likes it better when Jace is teasing and smiling at Alec’s frustration.  Izzy is a lot like Jace, and sometimes the two of them drive him crazy.  They are always pulling stunts that get Alec in trouble, because he is the oldest of the three of them and, according to his mother, is supposed to know better.  

Alec watches the way his mother looks at Jace, and how she treats him, and wonders if his mother loves Jace more than she loves him.  

He doesn’t blame her if she does.  Jace is nothing like Alec.  He’s _so_ much better.

 

Fifteen-year-old Alec Lightwood still thinks about Jace Wayland a lot.  And what Alec thinks about him is that he's perfect.  Jace still gets on Alec’s nerves, but he also makes Alec feel like he’s got butterflies flitting around in his stomach.  Jace is handsome and popular, and he’s already starting to date girls, even though Alec is older and should be the one dating first.  It’s not like Alec wants to date _girls_  though.  He already knows he doesn't.

Sometimes he thinks he can’t figure out if he wants to _be_ _Jace_ or just be around him all the time.  He understands what that means for him.  He gets that he’s interested in guys.  But he also gets that calling them pretty and finding them interesting is a bad thing.  But why it’s bad is something that he probably won’t ever understand.  He hates that Jace, _that guys_ , make him flustered and that watching some of them give him thoughts that he shouldn’t have.  He understands that girls can be pretty, but he doesn’t feel attracted to them.  He would like to because it would make his life so much easier.  But he just doesn’t feel that way about them.  Not the way he feels about guys.

He’s gay, but he’s never said that word out loud.

He’s scared to because he already knows what will happen.  

His mother assigns him a book to read, to prepare him to be a leader at the Institute, and it’s a history about the Clave.  It’s hard to read through because it talks about people like him.  She knows how much Alec loves reading, loves plays and poetry and histories of any kind.  She knows this and yet her assignment for him is to read about the Clave using their laws to banish people like him from their society.  He knows she did it on purpose because Alec doubts his mother has ever done anything she didn’t mean to do.  He wants to hate her for it, but she’s his mother.  So how can he?  

She tells him to study it, tells him that who he is matters less than how he behaves.  He finishes the book in less than a day because he’s a fast reader.  He throws up once he’s done but at least he can look her in the eye and answer yes when she asks him if he finished his assignment.  

She argues more with Alec’s father, and it’s _always_ about Alec.  His dad tries to talk to him sometimes, but Robert Lightwood never seems to know what he wants to say.  He starts to explain things and then he stops and says that Alec’s mother just needs him to understand.  

That she needs him to behave better. That she needs him to make better choices.

His mother begins outright telling him that if he must be attracted to guys, he has no choice but to stay quiet about it.  She stops using pretty, confusing words to hide her feelings and starts making ultimatums.  Says he’s old enough now to control his behavior.  She tells him that Alec being gay is the _least_ of her worries, but then never forgets to remind him that he has to earn back their family honor.  That if the Clave finds out who he is, their family will be ruined. 

He also starts to realize that it doesn’t matter how much Jace gives him butterflies.  Because Alec doesn’t give _Jace_ butterflies.  If he did, then Jace wouldn’t be talking so much about girls and might possibly be thinking about Alec instead.  But it’s not like that surprises Alec.  

He realizes that Jace will always be better than him.  He’ll always be normal.  He’ll always be Maryse Lightwood’s favorite.  He’ll always be the best at everything. 

He’ll always be perfect, beautiful Jace.  

Alec is sure that Jace will always be more than Alec... because Alec Lightwood is someone that his own mother can’t stand.  

 

Seventeen-year-old Alec Lightwood is terrified to have a parabatai.  His bond will be with Jace, and it’s been something that’s been planned for as long as he can remember.  But the Clave has rules.  His parabatai could be a sibling or a friend, could be of any gender including his own, but the one thing that his parabatai _cannot_ be is someone he’s in love with.  So even though he’s not even sure what being in love feels like, he knows it’s not something he’s allowed to feel for Jace.

Alec’s stomach is in knots every day.  He makes errors in his training.  He’s sluggish and distracted.  Jace yells at him about it, shouts at him to concentrate, but all it does is remind him that he won’t ever be good enough for Jace.

Why would Jace want him as a parabatai?  Jace can have literally anyone.  Any shadowhunter of any age.  Jace is the most admired shadowhunter of their training class.  He’s the strongest and the toughest, and he knows it.  Jace talks all the time about how becoming parabatais will make them brothers.  

The idea excites Jace.  It makes Alec feel miserable.

He wakes up every single day to a feeling in his chest that aches and twists inside him and reminds him that _he’s wrong_.  He can’t love Jace.  But he also can’t hate him.  He can’t even feel indifferent to Jace because nobody is indifferent when it comes to Jace Wayland.  

Alec has no idea what it feels like to love someone, to be in love, but he thinks that this feeling for Jace comes as close as he’s ever gotten.  It’s a bit like a crush, and he remembers having those before.  But it’s also a vice, constricting him and making him feel like he can’t breathe.  Izzy says that it sounds like a panic attack, and he wouldn’t be surprised if that’s true because he is terrified _every single day of his life_. 

He’s paralyzed by the idea that Jace will find out.  That Jace will just suddenly understand all the ways Alec thinks about him, and that Jace won’t like it and will refuse to ever speak to him again.  He’s scared that if he admits why he doesn’t want a parabatai, that he’ll make his mother mad.  But he thinks that becoming Jace’s parabatai might turn out to be the worst thing that could happen to him.  

Izzy says he’s being a drama queen, but at least she tries to help.  She never tells him that he’s wrong, and for that, he will love his sister for eternity.  

Sometimes when he’s angry about something his friend has done, he wonders if Jace even thinks about what becoming parabatai means.  Does he want to be by Alec’s side forever?  Sometimes Jace acts like he doesn’t even want to be in the same room with Alec.  But then Jace gets over himself, and Alec stops being mad, because nobody can stay mad at Jace, and then he thinks that it’s okay if Jace doesn’t want to be by Alec’s side forever.  Alec wants to stay by his, and that’s what matters.  

Alec’s mother reminds him all the time that he’s lucky to have such a gifted shadowhunter as a parabatai.  Says that being his parabatai should be the _least_ of Alec’s worries.  Reminds him that having Jace in his life is a happenstance that he should be grateful for.  

He thinks she probably means that Jace is better than Alec deserves.  

She just doesn’t say it.  Not with words.  

 

Nineteen-year-old Alec Lightwood still thinks Jace is wonderful, but he knows now that his parabatai isn’t perfect.  He recognizes his brother’s faults, though he struggles to call him brother sometimes.  He only calls Jace brother because that’s the word Jace uses to describe Alec.  He understands that Jace is hot-headed and impulsive, and yet Alec doesn’t judge him for it.  It’s not Jace’s fault that Alec gets blamed for things that go wrong, for not controlling Jace more, for not cleaning up Jace’s messes before the Clave gets wind of them.  

He still loves Jace, in that same confusing way he always has.  And Jace still doesn’t know.  

Alec hopes he never knows about it.  

He’s old enough now that he notices other men, and he recognizes some of those same feelings of amazement he had when he was younger.  He still finds men pretty, and he thinks about kissing them.  Thinks about doing other things with them as well.  When he looks, he tries to be as discreet as possible.  The shadowhunter uniforms are just so attractive, and most of the shadowhunters are toned and fit.  He can’t help it if he looks.  He just has to make sure he’s not caught.  

Jace is always talking about women’s bodies and what he finds attractive, and as far as Jace is concerned, women’s legs and gorgeous hair are what distract him.  

Alec likes strong jawlines.  Shoulders.  The strength of a guy’s hands.  Tight black pants are his weakness.  And toned abs.  When some of the men are training shirtless, Alec has to leave the room quickly.  It’s frustrating and it puts him in a bad mood nearly all the time.  Izzy complains about those moods, but she doesn’t understand.  

She doesn't get that he's tired _all the time._  He works so hard to stay focused and never slip.  He doesn't say anything that will make his mother angry.  He pays for his "mistakes."  He pays for Jace's "mistakes" too because mistakes mean the Clave gets involved.  "Mistakes" mean their family loses even more honor than Alec has lost them already.  

Alec never tells Izzy that he’s pretty sure he’s the reason the family had to move away from Idris.  He doesn’t want her to know because he doesn’t want her to hate him, and she’s the only person in his life who makes him feel normal.  

 

Almost twenty-one-year-old Alec Lightwood thinks meeting Magnus Bane is the scariest thing that’s ever happened to him.  

Magnus isn’t pretty.  He’s beautiful.  Magnus is powerful and bold, and he makes Alec nervous just about as often as he makes Alec _hard_.  His hands are strong and the polish and jewels he uses to accessorize them distract Alec to no end.  There is not a single thing about Magnus that isn’t attractive to Alec, and he thinks that it’s both wonderful and a little bit overwhelming.  Alec gets mad at himself because he gets tongue-tied around the man, but Magnus seems to think it’s charming.  

Magnus is clever and he flirts with Alec so much that it sometimes makes the breath catch in Alec’s chest.  Magnus tells him that there’s nothing wrong with him when the memory demon outs his feelings about Jace.  Alec denies that he knows what the warlock is talking about, but of course he knows.  It’s his nightmare come to life right in front of him.  

Alec tries not to want Magnus, but it goes about as well as all those other things Alec’s tried not to want throughout the years.  Which is... badly.  The more Alec interacts with him, the more he _wants_.  He’s fantasized about men before, but he’s never met someone who makes him want to reach out and actually touch. Not like this.  Not with this irrepressible desire that only ever seems to happen whenever Magnus is near.  

Magnus makes him feel like he’s _good_ .  And that terrifies him because he’s not good, and he never has been.  He’s clumsy and angry all the time, and he’s never been talented enough at anything but shooting arrows.  And even archery was a skill that he had to work twice as hard to be good at. He’s all _wrong_ , but Magnus makes him forget that.  

He finds himself wanting to just be around Magnus for the sake of being around him.  

Because being around him feels so good.

Magnus pushes and prods, and sometimes it makes Alec angry because what if Magnus is wrong?  What if _love isn’t important_ .  Honor _is_ , and the things Magnus wants from him will only bring the family dishonor.  What if the exchange is too great?  What if he gives up his honor and doesn’t get loved in return?  

But Magnus never gives up on him.  When Magnus stops flirting and becomes serious, constantly reminding him that he has a right to be happy, Alec gets distracted.  Loses focus.  Gets confused.  Magnus makes Alec feel things that he shouldn’t want, and it terrifies him.  

But then he starts to think that maybe Magnus is right.  That he is good.  That he does deserve love.  Izzy thinks so and now so does Magnus.  

Maybe it’s not as important to restore honor to his family.  

Maybe it’s not fair for his parents to expect Alec to clean up their messes.  

He snaps when Magnus shows up to his wedding because it proves to him that Magnus is brave enough to at least try.  It proves that Magnus couldn’t just stay away from him after all.  If Magnus would willingly walk into that wedding not knowing if Alec would turn him away or not, then how can Alec resist trying?  If Magnus can be that brave, then so can he.  He knows that marrying Lydia is not what he wants, was never what he wanted, because the choking anxiety that fills him at the thought is paralyzing.  

So for the first time in his life, he forgets honor and saving face.  He chooses freedom.  He chooses to be himself, and he thinks that his mother never speaking to him might be one of the best things that could ever happen to him.  

Kissing Magnus makes him feel free.  It feels right and good.  He thinks he probably shouldn't have had their first kiss be in front of the Clave, but he can’t take that part back now, not that he really even wants to.  He's pretty sure he can live with the consequences.

Magnus kisses him back.  That’s what’s important.  

Magnus asks him if he regrets it, and Alec never really answers him.  He doesn’t even know how.  How does he tell Magnus that he doesn’t even understand regret anymore because he’s spent so much time regretting _who he is?_  That regretting his choices isn’t even something that registers with him.

Twenty-one-year-old Alec Lightwood toughs out his mother’s wrath.  Her post-failed wedding attempt to shame him fails.  

 _For the first time in his life, her attempts to shame him fail_.  

She tells him that calling off the wedding would have been one thing, but that kissing Magnus in front of the entire Institute was an embarrassment.  That he’s embarrassed all of them.  

He asks if it’s because Magnus is a guy.  And she says that the fact that he is a guy, as Alec says, is the _least_ of her worries.  And god, Alec hates that expression so much because of how often he’s heard it throughout his life.  

She says that Alec choosing Magnus Bane is worse because he’s a downworlder.  A warlock.  His father adds that there is so much about Magnus Bane that Alec doesn’t know.  

So twenty-one-year-old Alec Lightwood tells them that he plans to get to know Magnus.  

That if they have a problem with it, they can just deal with it.

He walks away wondering if it just might be the best “mistake” he’s ever made.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer 1: Alec is 21 here because he's obviously old enough to drink in the show. I am ignoring his book age on purpose. 
> 
> Disclaimer 2: I used Raymond Ablack's real age to estimate how much older Raj is than Alec


End file.
